Quotes from "The Portrait"

Season 1, Episode 5 Air Date: November 20, 2009

Mozzie: She could have sent us anywhere so she sent us to a place that leads everywhere.

Caffrey: Why do you think?
Burke: What are you looking at me for?
Caffrey: I didn't steal it.

Caffrey: I love Haustenberg. Which one of his paintings was stolen?
Burke: This is one is called "Young Girl with Locket."
Caffrey: No photograph?
Burke: No, but I bet you it's a painting of a young girl wearing a locket.
Caffrey: You don't get enough credit for your deductive skills.

Burke: What are you gonna sulk now?
Caffrey: You don't trust me.
Burke: What did Reagan say? 'Trust, but verify.'
Caffrey: That was also the motto of the Soviet secret police.
Burke: Get used to it, comrade.

Julianna: I hit him in the face and he said if I did it again he would kill me.
Caffrey: What did you do?
Julianna:I hit him again.

Julianna: (showing Caffrey a photo) That's my grandmother and that's the painting behind her.
Caffrey: Could be your twin.
Julianna: I'll take that as a compliment. I was named after her. She raised me. When she died, she left me the house... and the painting.
Caffrey: What did Uncle Gary think of that?
Julianna: You don't look like an FBI agent.
Caffrey: I'll take that as a compliment.

Caffrey: Okay, let me rephrase that since I am a consultant and not technically an employee of the FBI—
Burke: A consultant on a tenuous probation.
Caffrey: As I am constantly reminded. Is there anything illegal about me talking to him?
Burke: You can't threaten him.
Caffrey: Don't plan to.
Burke: Or lie to him.
Neal looks at him like "What!"
Caffrey: All right, All right, no lying. I'm just gonna ask him for the name.

Caffrey: What's [Dorsett] into, besides shaking down stockbrokers?
Burke: High-end loan-sharking, although calling him a loan shark is like calling Oedipus a mama's boy.

Caffrey: What?
Burke: Have you ever met a woman who didn't—
Caffrey: Brittney. Brittney Nicole. Second grade... I had a gap in my teeth.

Taryn: Is it true you escaped for a girl?
Caffrey: Some people think I'm a romantic.
Taryn: Did she?
Caffrey: I'll let you know.

Dorsett: Monogamy is the great tragedy of beauty.
Caffrey: Not always.
Dorsett: Please. We use the expression "butterfly" for a man who flits from flower to flower. A man such as yourself could be quite a successful butterfly.
Caffrey: We consider butterflies weak, delicate creatures.
Dorsett: But flap their wings, and they can set off hurricanes.
Caffrey: That's beautiful. You should write a book.

Dorsett: I have a girlfriend myself.
Caffrey: Is she faithful?
Dorsett: She's French. I try not think about it.

Taryn: Things always this interesting when you are around?

Elizabeth: That's what I love about you so much.
Burke: What? That I lost all ability to flirt when we got married?
Elizabeth: Honey, it was even questionable then.

Burke: The thing about Neal is nothing is ever as it seems.

Caffrey: She's not my type.
Burke: Why isn't she your type? She loves art, she looks like Lara Croft in khakis…
Caffrey: Really? Does she bake cookies for orphans too?
Burke: She does.
Caffrey: I get it. Meet a nice girl, settle down...
Burke: Simply my life. Probably save yours.
Caffrey: You're lying about the cookies.
Burke: Prove it.

Burke: When we're in your car, we can listen to your station.
Caffrey: I don't have a car.
Burke: Poor life choice.

Caffrey: See, I would tell [Elizabeth] that I wouldn't stop complaining about the car, so you let me go into the nightclub, and you witnessed the suspect enter after me and had no choice but to follow.
Burke: It's almost the truth.
Caffrey: It's better than alimony.

Mozzie: You stole the painting?
Caffrey: I was going to give it back to Julianna.
Mozzie: You're like a child — no sense of consequence.

Caffrey: It's not theft when rich men do it.

Mozzie: You'll be happy I came with a red laser dot suddenly appears on your forehead.
Caffrey: Enough with the hero talk, Haversham.

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